Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The last few days have been full of intense back pain. I had back surgery nearly 20 years ago & have spells of back pain now & then, but this was over the top. Yesterday I passed some time at Superstore waiting for my prescription of T3's to be filled by walking around like a very elderly man. My steps were about 2 inches long, each one filled with agony. I wasn't sure if I would make it back to my car, let alone be able to climb back in. At one point I was reminded of the fact that I at least could still walk & that sense of gratitude kept me going.

The various deaths of our lives as written by Ron Rolheiser were going through my mind these past few days as I passed the time in pain.

The death of our youth
The death of our wholeness
The death of our dreams
The death of our honeymoons
The death of a certain idea of God and Church

My physical pain & the inability to do anything because of it made me acutely aware of the first four deaths. Much of my identity has been & still is based on being active, competitive, strong & self-sufficient. I don't realize exactly how much until experiences such as my back pain illuminate it.

Something released in my back around lunchtime today & I have been returning to the land of the functioning. The time spent reflecting has been good- very good indeed as it brought a sense of full reliance on God.

The care my kids showed to me was oozing with grace, and offers flowed in for practical help & prayers from friends. While I was hurting I certainly felt cared for & loved. Times of pain & grief can be good for our soul!

What death are you grieving? What is God saying in the midst of that?

John 12:24
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives.


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4:42 AM  

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