Tuesday, February 07, 2006

You Have No Idea Who I Am

You have no idea who I am. Nobody knows who I am. Nobody. Not even my spouse. Friends and family surround me, but they don’t know me. Every time I enter a room, it’s with a persona as big as I am. I posture and position and pontificate. I can make small talk. I can even enter into a meaningful, deep, theological discussion. But the person you see is made up on the run, while the real me frantically operates the levers from behind a façade. A nice white picket fence protects me. I leave almost every encounter desperately alone and feeling deeply unknown.

Life isn’t working for me. I’ve tried to honor the life I was supposed to live, but it’s not paying off like I thought it would. Give me something I can jam into my current game plan that would fix me without too much pain and change.

What’s wrong with me? Nothing I try works. Maybe, after what I’ve done, I don’t deserve answers. After all, others seem to figure out this stuff, but I am not changing. Nothing seems to be getting me to the abundant life that I’m supposed to be experiencing. Nothing I do seems to make any difference.

My heart keeps saying to me, at first in whispers but now in screams: “You’re a fake, an imposter, a loser. You always have been. You always will be. You may fool others but I know who you are. You’re a joke, the definition of hypocrite. You have no self-respect. You spent it long ago.”

The victorious Christian life
Sin…confess…do better for a while, and then sin again. Embarrassment, confess again, ask God to take away the desire, then sin again, confess again, shock, more determination to stop sinning, think about it a lot, examine it.

Make promises, create some boundaries, and sin again, now even worse than before. Despair, anger, shame, distance from God, guilt. Self-condemnation, self-loathing… sin again. Disillusionment, doubt, self-pity, and resentment at God: Why doesn’t he hear my prayers? Why doesn’t he do something? More anger. Then fear that I allow myself to get angry with God. Then real confession, a heartfelt one, and a sense of cleansing.

Ah, new start. Things seem better. Yeah, I’ve finally got sin under control. Oops, sin again. Desperate efforts, bargains struck. Once-and-for-all healing. Really mean it this time. Sin again. Lose hope, give up, rationalize, minimize, blame, pull away, hide, judge others, paint my picket fence white, go past the sin again, and so on. TrueFaced

If you are making significant progress on the transformational journey of following Jesus, you have one or perhaps more friendships that support the journey. If you don't have those soul friends, you won't make any progress (see January 28 post). David Benner says it's that simple. You find those friends in the House of Trust.

“The last sign of intimacy is to share secret joys.” Oswald Chambers

"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." Winnie the Pooh (A. A. Milne)

1 Peter 2:9-10
You are a chosen people. You are a kingdom of priests, God's holy nation, his very own possession. This is so you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. "Once you were not a people; now you are the people of God. Once you received none of God's mercy; now you have received his mercy."


Post a Comment

<< Home