Christmas Is Forgiving Part 1: Relational and Family Pain

"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future." Gail Lumet Buckley

Christmas is an awesome time: the snow, skating, skiing & tobogganing. Things like Bright Lights, Candy Cane Lane, Christmas lights in the neighborhood, and kids eyes as big as saucers. The giving and receiving of presents.

Christmas is for giving, right?

But for some of us Christmas holds some bad memories. There are painful shadows in the closet of Decembers past. Instead of loving the holiday season we try just to tolerate and survive it.

If you want to introduce some pain to Christmas try these things:

a) Add a divorce or two to create scheduling difficulties that are out of this world. Then there are the new relational headaches, the heartaches and bitterness whenever we get together represented by who is or who isn’t present. It can be like taking a beautiful family portrait and ripping someone out of it, then placing it back together and pretending the picture was taken this way in the first place.

b) Someone dies an untimely death. There becomes an apparent void, like a missing chair because someone who’s supposed to be a part of the family celebrations isn’t there this year. And they’re not coming back. And that really hurts.

c) Harsh words, spoken throughout the year, burst forth like a volcano. Or they simmer under the surface while the careful geophysicist’s monitor the relational stress & move parties away from each other, lest there should be an eruption.

It’s easy to see why some just want to get through the holiday in one piece. Surviving becomes the goal.

Some people choose to survive in very harsh ways.

Last Resort by Papa Roach

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a bleep if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a bleep if I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide

Cuz I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin

It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cuz I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me in fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine

I’m running and I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a bleep if I cut my arm bleeding

Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide

Cuz I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine

I’m running and I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way
Can’t go on
Living this way
Nothing’s alright

I could tell stories of some dysfunctional Christmas’s from the past. As little kid I drew a picture indicating that Jesus was crucified because they wouldn’t let him exchange presents. As I grew older it was an expectation that we’d have brunch after opening presents, my brothers would go downstairs and drink while my step dad retreated to the TV room to watch football. I usually followed the TV route. It was a lot less chaotic. After awhile my brothers would get out of hand and have to leave. Sometimes I was called later in the evening to drive one of them home because they were in a bad place.

Some of you are just hoping for a cordial Christmas. Let’s just get along until we can get away from each other and start the quarrelling, gossiping, sniping, stealing and whatever else might be going on when we’re not together.

Today we’ll look at an Old Testament story of a brutal cycle of pain. Joseph from the book of Genesis. As a youngster Joseph was a little cocky, perhaps arrogant, favored by his dad and always pontificating on how his brothers would serve him in the later years. The resentment built until the brothers wanted to kill him. Instead of following through with that they chose to sell him into slavery instead, from their standpoint he was as good as dead.

Sound like any family stories here? Joseph ended up going to Egypt where he did well but kept getting into more and more trouble, always being unjustly dealt with. Potipher’s wife accused him of making a pass at her and it landed Joseph in prison. He had done nothing wrong. Instead of playing the victim he made the most of a tough situation. Even though his life outwardly had spun out of control, inwardly God had been molding and shaping Joseph.

Genesis 45:1-3
Joseph could stand it no longer. "Out, all of you!" he cried out to his attendants. He wanted to be alone with his brothers when he told them who he was. Then he broke down and wept aloud. His sobs could be heard throughout the palace, and the news was quickly carried to Pharaoh's palace. "I am Joseph!" he said to his brothers. "Is my father still alive?" But his brothers were speechless! They were stunned to realize that Joseph was standing there in front of them.

Joseph comes face to face with his brothers after all of those years and look at his reaction. Those that we love the most, those that love us the most; they’re the one that inflict the worst pain upon us.

Be honest. Let’s look at our relationships. Is there an estranged dad in your past? A mom? A sister or brother? Former business partner? Old friend?

Hurt people hurt people.

Instead of breaking the chain we recycle the pain.

Ever watch young kids fight? Just come over to our house! Seriously our kids are great and love each other but they also have their battles. First the voices are raised, then the scratching starts, the wrestling & slugging is never too far behind. If someone is caught doing something wrong they tell on the other sibling because they’re not going down alone!

Some families behave the same way as kids.

Let’s look at three choices that we can make. Notice that I said ‘choices’ and not ‘feelings’. Three choices.

You’re never going to wake up and feel happy towards your sister who stole your boyfriend. Or your dad who pushed you. Or the husband that feels emotionally distant. You’re more than likely to one-day wake up emotionally spent or in a rage and will leave never to come back.

1. Choose to pray

For those who have hurt you. Jesus is the greatest example Herod tried to kill him as a baby. He wasn’t honored as he grew up. Ultimately he’s betrayed by one of his 12 friends. Leading to his crucifixion one of his 3 best friends denies him. Pontius Pilate says ’nothing wrong with him’ and yet lets him be killed because of his own weak backbone. Remember the brutal scene from the Passion? How was he treated at the end? What did Jesus do? He prayed

Luke 23:34a
"Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing."

Father forgive them. So we do the same. What do we pray for?

Three things:
Pray for God to heal their hurts.
Pray for God to forgive them.
Pray for God to bless them.

It’s difficult to bless them but it is biblical. Your prayers may not affect the person but they’ll for sure affect you!

You can’t pray for someone else without God doing a work in your heart. Husbands, pray for your wives. Wives, pray for your husbands. Young people pray for your parents.

Jesus did not shout at them, "I forgive you." He prayed, Father you forgive them.

Luke 6:28
Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.

If we wait for those who have hurt us to repent first, we will almost certainly wait for a long, long time. We also give ourselves a justification to stay bitter the rest of our lives.

The first thing is to choose to pray. The second thing is more difficult to do. We’re going to

2. Choose to forgive

Invite someone up to have a drink of Buckley’s cough syrup

The challenge of forgiveness is the emotional equivalent of “Everest without oxygen, Wimbledon without a racket, La Scala without a score.” Stephanie Dowrick

Matthew 6:14-15
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Forgiveness is not optional for Christ followers. If you’re like most people you’ll forgive the first time but the next time it happens you start to write that person off.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No!" Jesus replied, "seventy times seven!

You can almost hear the spiritual pride in Peter when he says ‘forgive someone seven times’. Jesus says ‘uh-uh'. Unlimited forgiveness.

It is curious how some of us read the Gospels over and again and miss this. We may get the theology, but not the graciousness that Jesus taught and exemplified.

Who is it in your life that you haven’t forgiven?

As a church we recognize that many who are here at CoHo have been ‘de-churched’ or ‘over-churched’ in the past. Usually that involves the pain of abandonment and betrayal.

And almost always there are people who are involved in the root cause of that situation.

Who is it in your life that you haven’t forgiven?

How in the world do you forgive?

I focus on how God has forgiven me. Focus on how God has forgiven you.

Colossians 3:13
You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Forgive as the Lord forgave us.

Broken marriages are as common in the church as outside of it. There is a lack of forgiveness. Some of you may be living in a cordial marriage, perhaps for the kids sake. You say to yourselves, “Just get along with each other, but for God’s sake I can’t forgive that man. Or woman.”

We make a choice. We choose to pray. We choose to forgive and then , as crazy as it sounds, we

3. Choose to bless

We choose to bless those who hurt us.

Romans 12:19-21
Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. Instead, do what the Scriptures say: “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you." Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Look at what Jesus said in Luke 6:27-28
"But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.

We choose to pray, forgive and then bless. Now some of you may think that’s easy for you in your pastor bubble. Let me assure you I live in the same world as everyone else. I may not have faced the same story, but the setting is the same. It’s no easier for me than you.

Chances are high that those who hurt us don't even think they have done anything wrong. Nine out of ten people that I have to forgive don't think they have done anything wrong to me (which suggests that I, too, have probably hurt people without knowing).

When he showed up after his resurrection behind their closed doors, he did not say to them, "How could you do this to me?" He merely said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you" (John 20:21). He affirmed them as if nothing had happened; he let them save face.

What’s on the other side of forgiveness?

Most of us need to deal with whatever is on our plate. Cry. Let it out. Pour it out to God like we talked about last week. Mourn the lost years because they truly are lost. Grab the moment because Christmas is Forgiving!

What was on the other side of forgiveness for Joseph?

The birth of a nation.

Genesis 45:1, 14-15
Joseph could stand it no longer. "Out, all of you!" he cried out to his attendants. He wanted to be alone with his brothers when he told them who he was.
Weeping with joy, he embraced Benjamin, and Benjamin also began to weep. Then Joseph kissed each of his brothers and wept over them, and then they began talking freely with him.

Genesis 50:20
As far as I am concerned, God turned into good what you meant for evil. He brought me to the high position I have today so I could save the lives of many people.

The signs to know you have totally forgiven can be summarized this way:
a. You do not tell anybody what they did to you (this would be trying to punish the one who hurt you);
b. You do not try to intimidate them;
c. You do not let them feel guilty;
d. You let them save face;
e. You accept the matter of total forgiveness as a "life sentence"—you have to keep doing it, indefinitely;
f. You pray that they will be blessed and let off the hook.

What’s on the other side of forgiveness for you? For us as a church?

For Joseph it was a miracle. I pray the same for you.